Blog: happiness

I Left Nebraska Two Years Ago for California

This post was written in en

I Left Nebraska Two Years Ago for California

Picture of Pablo somewhere in California

Some Back Story

Over the years, I reflected on how much I do love Nebraska and what it means to me. I moved away two years ago from my home state of Nebraska to the state of California. I believe it's safe to say that California is home. I've done a lot growing as a person. I am not the same person who was when I left Nebraska. I'm still growing.

Why Leave Nebraska?

Nebraska will forever be home. It was the place that saw me grow up. I got a great public education. It taught me how to say, "Ope!" and how to be a Midwestern Mexican Guy.

It's been in my mind for a while to leave. That, "for a while" thought has been in my mind since I was a kid. At a young age I had all these dreams and ambitions to live in various places throughout the world.

I was very fortune to have visited different places in high school and in university, I got to live in France through study abroad. These experiences solidified my need to venture off more throughout the United States. Traveling abroad since I was a young kid has helped me realize there are so many great things outside of Nebraska. It's funny because I joke around how I've traveled more outside the country than in the country I reside in. I am very fortunate to have lived in Mexico for extended periods of time throughout my life.

Preventing Resentment and Repeating the Mistakes of Others

I've always craved so much more than the simple life back home. I didn't want to feel trapped and become resentful for lack of trying to live in and experiencing new things in new places. I see many of the people who I grew up with and reflect on my own self. I didn't want that lifestyle. So many people who I had wished had left Nebraska for greener pastures didn't leave. I didn't want to be trapped.

Questioning the Environment

I've always questioned my environment. These are the questions:

  • Why don't we have public transportation?
  • Why is it weird to walk on the sidewalk in such a walk-able town?
  • Why are people of afraid of good change?
  • Why don't we think of the needs of young people who will lead the future?

My Lifestyle

Being Nebraska wasn't fitting my lifestyle anymore. I had outgrown the town of 25,000 habitants. Growing up, I never really accepted myself as a person in various degrees. I tolerated myself at best. I was smiling without actually being happy. This façade of being known as, "the guy who always has a smile on his face," was getting old. It was draining me for years. I truly wasn't happy. No one would ever guess that. I lost myself as an individual and I also lost who I wanted to become as individual. Looking at myself in the mirror was not a true reflection of me. I just didn't feel like anything was truly going for me. There are so many things I wish I would have addressed sooner.

Leaving Nebraska was going to happen sooner than later. I had a friend nudge me a few years back to finally do it. I am grateful he nudged me enough that I felt it in my ribs.

California

I'm Happier as a Person

I'm living in California now for two years now. Time flies!

I'm a lot happier here. I'm my more genuine self. I'm still not where I want to be. This is something that I am working on. California is not a perfect place.

I've made a lot more progress here. I'm slowly healing myself. This will take time.


Not Smiling Every Single Moment

This post was written in en

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Ever since I was young, I was the guy who always had a smile on his face. I mean like 90% of the time. Any where I went, any where I was spotted, any encounter. I, Pablo Morales was the smiling kid.

Façade

Smiling would help me put on a façade or a filter to mask the many emotions I feel at any given moment.

Abroad

When I visit Mexico, I've learned not to smile as much. I just experience life differently. I try not to stand out. I am always happy to see the people I love.

When I was studying in Europe, I truly learned not to smile. Many Europeans don't smile when they are out and about with their day. During studying abroad, I made it a goal to not stand out as an "American", especially during the political turmoil happening in the United States.

Even when I reverted back to my "typical smiling," I never truly reverted back.

It's okay not to smile

By not smiling, I am learning to express myself more. I can be in a great mood but not smile? Yes, I can! By smiling all the time, it taught me I wasn't true to myself. I wasn't being fair to myself. I was defrauding myself. How can I be a real person if I can't express myself?

Am I happy?

You're asking yourself this question? Is Pablo Morales, actually happy with himself? Yes, I am happy.

Has it been hard to love myself? Yes. Overall, happiness does not fall into one size fits all scenario.

There is a side of me that I am afraid to explore. I have a battle ahead. I am still looking for this battle with a smile or frown.

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Learning Rust and what's to come...

This post was written in en

We're 9 days into the New Year of 2022 2023.

These last few years, I haven't been in the right mindset. I've been in a dark place for many, many years. This dark place has hindered me in so many aspects of my life. I don't know who I am anymore. It's been hard to love myself for as long as I remember.

The keyword: Avoiding.

I hope my friends and family understand. I know I have hurt you in some form. I am really sorry.

The past can't be changed. All I can hope is to learn from it and not be stuck in it.

This year I am going to push through to improve myself. The things I want to do are not a deterrent to the problems at hand. I would like them to help guide me into finding clarity. To help point me in the direction of the light. I am finally going to dedicate myself to formally learn a few programming languages and actually understand that missing disconnect/mental block.

I'm going to start with Rust. A language I've been very interested in for many years. A language I've pick up for a while and would just stop out of no where. I hope to finally get some certifications in Google, Amazon Web Services, Artificial intelligence, front-end/back-end development. On top of all this, I'd like to start my Master's in Information Technology in Education.

I know I am capable of great things. I just hope I can acknowledge this.

I promised to build something. It'll happen.

The bigger issues need to be solved through other channels. I also acknowledge this.

I guess I should try to work on my body too.

That is all I got.

-Pablo