Background

Blogging has been such a great outlet for me this past year. In the past I would blog sporadically. I've always loved blogging as it allows me to express myself and allow my thoughts to flow (when they feel like it). It's allowed me to become more expressive and to reconnect with myself. I would say I feel more satisfied in becoming more expressive and to reconnect myself. It's a piece of a puzzle.

Deciding What to Share

You know how there are things about yourself for the longest time, you didn't know whether or not to share publicly? There are things I'm not willing to share. At some point you are ready to share certain things. Then, you come to the realization of "How am I going to put this in words?" That's the part that's tricky. That's me at this very moment in time. I'm ready to share. I'll do my best.

The Journey

Part of this journey has been working on myself and learning to accept who I am as a person. For the longest time I wasn't living my true self. I lived in two worlds, the American lifestyle outside of home and the Latino culture at home. I felt like two walls parallel to each other trying to keep me aligned. I never felt enough for the Americans and never felt enough for the Mexicans. Me being the only boy in my immediate family, I had to set an example, I had to think about carrying the family last name, and etc. As an American who is Mexican, I always felt like I was more scrutinized under a microscope than my non-latino counterparts. I had to find ways to circumvent this to allow myself to slightly express myself even in the slightest. I worried so much people would think of me and I felt judged. I let that dictate so much of my life. I was so sad and miserable and asked myself, "How much more of this can I take?" All this put me in a negative headspace that hurt me and directly or indirectly hurt others I loved. I still cry thinking about this. I'm still learning how to undo this damage I've caused. It will take time but will it ever go away completely? I'm not sure. Going to therapy has aided in defragmenting so many pieces of my life. And made me realize that, I have to start living my own life and care for my own happiness. Healing has to be a priority.

Lurking

If you've been wondering this whole time what this post is about, yes, this is my coming out post. I've been for years waiting to share this moment in some format. I've thought about sharing on Instagram or Facebook but I decided against this. I'd rather do it on my personal website and any of the decentralized platforms I use. I've watched so many coming out videos, and social media posts of people I know or strangers on the internet. That has been inspiring. I've been lurking the idea of this for so long. I finally brought myself to do this. Once I publish this, there is no going back. Once something is on the internet, it's there forever. I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous or having second thoughts. I also think about how we live in a time where LGBT rights are under attack. I simply have to do this for myself and face the outcome of this. Positive or negative. So here it is...

My Sexuality

Bisexuality is variously defined as romantic or sexual attraction to both males and females, to more than one gender, or attraction to both people of the same gender and different genders.

I am attracted to both men and women. It's a spectrum and there is no 50%-50% split. I feel at this time more attractive to people who identify as male than I am to someone who identifies as female. That varies by day as well. Some of my greatest loves have been women. I'm also open to the attraction towards more gender identities.

How Long ?

I knew since I was five or six that I felt different about myself. Then the questions of, "when are you having a girlfriend?" or "I bet you have insert number here of girls chasing you!?" I did want that to happen at many points. Also, I had big crushes on other dudes.

Who have you told?

I've told friends and family who I am as an individual. Every single one of them I've told, each interaction with them was different. Some interactions were very heavy with emotion, some were very easy, and some I felt I was going to die inside because I was afraid of the reaction. Some took time to come around. Everything came alright in the end. I've felt supported. Even if the interaction didn't go as well, I felt the anxiety leave my body and be at a new level of peace with myself. I still tear up thinking about how strong and vulnerable I was in every single interaction. I'm very lucky to have friends and family who are supported. Some mentioned, "We knew, Pablo. We were waiting for you to share." *Queue laughing after ugly crying *. Every moment was beautiful. My relationships have become stronger. I no longer have to hide, in plain sight to my loved ones. They no longer have to see me suffer inside. My family bond has also become stronger. I don't have to hide by putting a wall around me. I can actually be open with them and tell them what I'm feeling.

What's to come?

Well, I've been going on dates and meeting lots of people in the community. I have a supported community living in California that makes it a bit easier. I have so much more to learn about myself and make my way. I want to explore my sexuality more and take it to the next level. I don't see my sexuality to be the forefront of my persona. It's a piece of the puzzle that helps form me to be simply, me! I've added this piece to the puzzle. There are other pieces that I have to find their place.

I'm happier with myself now. I can smile an actual smile now. My face isn't hiding behind a mask. I'm starting to live my more authentic self. I'm still going to be me at the end of the day. My sexuality is only one piece of the puzzle of who I am as a person.

S p r e a d L o v e