Another side of me

This post was written in en

Background

Blogging has been such a great outlet for me this past year. In the past I would blog sporadically. I've always loved blogging as it allows me to express myself and allow my thoughts to flow (when they feel like it). It's allowed me to become more expressive and to reconnect with myself. I would say I feel more satisfied in becoming more expressive and to reconnect myself. It's a piece of a puzzle.

Deciding What to Share

You know how there are things about yourself for the longest time, you didn't know whether or not to share publicly? There are things I'm not willing to share. At some point you are ready to share certain things. Then, you come to the realization of "How am I going to put this in words?" That's the part that's tricky. That's me at this very moment in time. I'm ready to share. I'll do my best.

The Journey

Part of this journey has been working on myself and learning to accept who I am as a person. For the longest time I wasn't living my true self. I lived in two worlds, the American lifestyle outside of home and the Latino culture at home. I felt like two walls parallel to each other trying to keep me aligned. I never felt enough for the Americans and never felt enough for the Mexicans. Me being the only boy in my immediate family, I had to set an example, I had to think about carrying the family last name, and etc. As an American who is Mexican, I always felt like I was more scrutinized under a microscope than my non-latino counterparts. I had to find ways to circumvent this to allow myself to slightly express myself even in the slightest. I worried so much people would think of me and I felt judged. I let that dictate so much of my life. I was so sad and miserable and asked myself, "How much more of this can I take?" All this put me in a negative headspace that hurt me and directly or indirectly hurt others I loved. I still cry thinking about this. I'm still learning how to undo this damage I've caused. It will take time but will it ever go away completely? I'm not sure. Going to therapy has aided in defragmenting so many pieces of my life. And made me realize that, I have to start living my own life and care for my own happiness. Healing has to be a priority.

Lurking

If you've been wondering this whole time what this post is about, yes, this is my coming out post. I've been for years waiting to share this moment in some format. I've thought about sharing on Instagram or Facebook but I decided against this. I'd rather do it on my personal website and any of the decentralized platforms I use. I've watched so many coming out videos, and social media posts of people I know or strangers on the internet. That has been inspiring. I've been lurking the idea of this for so long. I finally brought myself to do this. Once I publish this, there is no going back. Once something is on the internet, it's there forever. I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous or having second thoughts. I also think about how we live in a time where LGBT rights are under attack. I simply have to do this for myself and face the outcome of this. Positive or negative. So here it is...

My Sexuality

🏳️‍🌈 I'm sharing that I'm a bisexual person. 🏳️‍🌈

Bisexuality is variously defined as romantic or sexual attraction to both males and females, to more than one gender, or attraction to both people of the same gender and different genders.

I am attracted to both men and women. It's a spectrum and there is no 50%-50% split. I feel at this time more attractive to people who identify as male than I am to someone who identifies as female. That varies by day as well. Some of my greatest loves have been women. I'm also open to the attraction towards more gender identities.

How Long ?

I knew since I was five or six that I felt different about myself. Then the questions of, "when are you having a girlfriend?" or "I bet you have insert number here of girls chasing you!?" I did want that to happen at many points. Also, I had big crushes on other dudes.

Who have you told?

I've told friends and family who I am as an individual. Every single one of them I've told, each interaction with them was different. Some interactions were very heavy with emotion, some were very easy, and some I felt I was going to die inside because I was afraid of the reaction. Some took time to come around. Everything came alright in the end. I've felt supported. Even if the interaction didn't go as well, I felt the anxiety leave my body and be at a new level of peace with myself. I still tear up thinking about how strong and vulnerable I was in every single interaction. I'm very lucky to have friends and family who are supported. Some mentioned, "We knew, Pablo. We were waiting for you to share." *Queue laughing after ugly crying *. Every moment was beautiful. My relationships have become stronger. I no longer have to hide, in plain sight to my loved ones. They no longer have to see me suffer inside. My family bond has also become stronger. I don't have to hide by putting a wall around me. I can actually be open with them and tell them what I'm feeling.

What's to come?

Well, I've been going on dates and meeting lots of people in the community. I have a supported community living in California that makes it a bit easier. I have so much more to learn about myself and make my way. I want to explore my sexuality more and take it to the next level. I don't see my sexuality to be the forefront of my persona. It's a piece of the puzzle that helps form me to be simply, me! I've added this piece to the puzzle. There are other pieces that I have to find their place.

I'm happier with myself now. I can smile an actual smile now. My face isn't hiding behind a mask. I'm starting to live my more authentic self. I'm still going to be me at the end of the day. My sexuality is only one piece of the puzzle of who I am as a person.

S p r e a d L o v e


IndieWeb Carnival February 2024 - Digital Relationships

This post was written in en

Virtual Intimacy and Emotional Bonds

This is a response to IndieWeb Carnival on Digital Relationships hosted by Manuel Moreale.

By Pablo Morales

I enjoy making friends and making connections with people of all backgrounds and cultures. Growing up, I'd make friends with the international exchange students. They show up for a year or so and then leave. Many I've stayed in touch with and have gone to visit them in their home country. I would consider them close friends. We've kept this friendship even if they are across the world.

As a person, I would say I’m a very affectionate person. I like to form bonds and form some level of intimacy. Intimacy can be physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual or experiential. The idea of intimacy does not need to be sexual. I’m very affectionate to those with whom I have a close relationship, such as my best friends. I would also consider them very affectionate as well. I guess we can say we are in touch with our emotions and be expressive towards each other. We’ve shared so many moments together. That’s why we’re friends. As we’ve become older and started our careers, our lives, our relationships, etc, we’ve all relocated and don’t see each other as often as we used to. We all find ourselves living in various parts of the United States. It’s a sad reality growing up. Yet, here we are. It doesn’t seem that our bonds have weakened.

Having these human relationships or interactions is the main piece of keeping our relationships so strong. Many of my relationships with people I have rely on digital relationships as well. It's how many of our relationships keep strong.

Many of us desire a form of intimacy and emotional bond from those important to us. Oftentimes the only way to get these is through a virtual medium. We want to foster deep emotional connections with the absence of physical proximity. We want to share those important moments with a phone call or a video chat. We want to support each other in hard times. We want to replicate those movie nights when we were all living together. Virtual relationships allow us to provide emotional support from afar with our personal struggles, external stressors, or societal issues. This strengthens the emotional bond between individuals. Trust becomes a cornerstone that supports the vulnerability inherent in forming emotional bonds.

It's possible to have meaningful virtual relationships as we adapt with the changing times and remember the human in relationships.


This Week Feb 19 - Feb 25, 2024

This post was written in en

Noisebridge Logo
Noisebridge Logo

Events I attended:

IndieWeb

  • Finalizing IndieWeb Camp Sacramento. I still need a co-organizer. Please go to the planning page to mark which dates work best for those interested in attending. If you have other dates to suggest, please place those in that section.

Travel

  • I spent part of the week in San Francisco. I went to dog sit for my friend.

Places visited in San Francisco

  • I took pictures at Ocean Beach, Lands End and on various public places.
  • Golden Gate Park
  • Went to the skatepark
  • Went thrift shopping

Item Purchased

  • I bought some drums, a small notebook and speaker wire at Community Thrift Store . Thrifting is fun in San Francisco.

Learning

  • I got a Google Workspace certificate that is part of a Google Admin/Workspace specialization.
  • I listened to book writers and illustrators that were invited to speak at work.

Socializing

  • I went to Noisebridge in San Francisco. Noisebridge is a creative technology community for excellent, do-ocratic, consensus-based collaboration. Hackerspace in simple terms but so much more than that. I networked with a lot of people there and possibly working on a new project involving lighting and shows.

Exercise

  • Got my steps in walking everywhere in San Francisco. Next time I need to bring my running shoes.
  • I went on a hike near Lands End Lookout.

Good News

  • I found out I'm going to Berlin in May. I'm going to a climate conference. I started looking at tickets.

Meals/Food

  • I enjoyed a hamburger from the Amtrak Train.
  • I enjoyed a nice cup of hot matcha tea and miso soup at Ryoko's Japanese Restaurant & Bar.
  • I went to Cozy Cafe three times and I ate a Sausage, Egg and Cheese with an everything seasoned bagel.
  • I enjoyed some Lousiana Styled fried chicken at Aramex Restaurant in the Mission.

Artist Dates

  • Hanged out with someone new. :D

Tech Stuff

  • I added a page where I share what music I'm listening to. I used a mariadb (mysql) database and I built a small web application so I can update it on the fly. I use IndieAuth and Vouch Proxy to help put a wall around it.

Music I listened To


What I bought at Trader Joe's

This post was written in en

TJ's extra virgin olive oil being poured in a pan

I recently went to Trader Joe's on my day off today. I noticed prices over the last year have been going up everywhere and Trader Joe's is no exception. I've been working on only buying the things I only need or things to supplement the items I have at home. For example, I bought spinach dip to help me finish the chips I have at home and I bought baby carrots (Cut & Peeled Carrots) to help finish the spinach dip. Inflation is coming on all of us hard. I almost gasped out loud in the store when I saw the price of a litter bottle of the Extra Virgin Olive Oil. I remember it being $8.99 now it's $10.99. It's just the little things that add up. I have to be extra mindful of the inventory of my kitchen and buy only the things I need and think of items that be versatile in use.

One of my goals this year is to simply not be as wasteful. Adulting is a learning process.

Here is what I bought on this trip.

trader joe's logo

item price
Coffee Lover Expresso Beans $0.99
Porta 6 Red Wine $4.99
Bottle Deposit $0.10
Seaweed Strips Organic 6-PK $3.79
Sliced Whole Wheat Bread $2.49
Dried Cranberries $1.99
Peanut Butter Creamy $1.99
Yogurt Strawberry Culture $1.79
Baking Soda $0.99
Mac & Cheese Org Shells $1.79
Eggs Large Cage Free $3.49
Green Tea Matcha 25 ml $1.29
Bottle Deposit $0.05
Sausage Chicken Smoked Sausages $4.29
Bananas (6 @ $0.19) $1.14
Jumbo Yellow Onion $0.99
Gold Potato Bag 5lb $4.99
Many Color Carrots $1.99
Cut & Peeled Carrots $1.69
Spinach Sour Cream Dip $3.99
Breakfast Chicken Burrito $4.49
Tax $5.09 @ 8.75% $0.45
Total $49.76

This Week Feb 12 - Feb 18, 2024

This post was written in en

A stage with audio and video
* Felt cute might delete later. *

Events I attended:

IndieWeb

Travel

  • I went to Modesto, CA.

Item Purchased

  • Nothing significant, snacks? Those are significant.

Learning

  • I got a Google Workspace certificate that is part of a Google Admin/Workspace specialization.
  • I listened to book writers and illustrators that were invited to speak at work.

Socializing

  • I spent the weekend at a family gathering in Modesto, CA. It was a great time catching up with family I haven't seen in a while.
  • I made Valentine's Day cards with some friends.

Exercise

  • I went on a few runs this week around the park.
  • I did some body workouts. I'm trying to look better for the summer. Simply improvements not miracles.

Good News

  • I found out I'm going to Berlin in May. I'm going to a climate conference. I started looking at tickets.

Meals/Food

  • I ate chicken tenders and frieds at Kiki's Chicken Place.
  • I had some matcha.
  • I ate lots of tacos.

Artist Dates

Tech Stuff

Music I listened To

  • A Lonely September - Plain White T's
  • Anonanimal - Andrew Bird
  • Archers - With Confidence
  • Bring Out Your Dead - Beautiful Small Machines
  • Caraphernelia - Pierce the Veil
  • For Baltimore (Acoustic) - All Time Low
  • Hey Rachel - As It Is
  • Honey Revenge - Dance Gavin Dance
  • I Will Hide Myself Cartel - Cartel
  • Miss World - Hole
  • Norway - Beach House
  • Oh, Calamity! - All Time Low
  • PMA (feat. Pale Waves) - All Time Low